Relinquishment and Anniversary reactions

Yesterday was the day, several years ago, that A entered the care of CHSFS at their Hossanna center. So far, this is the first time we've not experienced a significant anniversary reaction. But I still fully expect it. The sudden onset of crying bouts, sadness, anger, melancholy or inappropriate acting out during these times sometimes mystify parents. I know A doesn't consciously acknowledge the reason. But she subconsciously knows it. She lived it.

Adoption for children isn't a concept to be learned, a theory to be understood or an idea to be developed. It is a real experience about which they have had and are having recurring and conflicting feelings, all of which are legitimate. These feelings are their response to the most devastating experience they are ever likely to have: the loss of their mother.

While adoptive parents may refer to the child as "chosen" and to themselves as the "real" parents, the child has had an experience of another mother to whom they were once attached and from whom they are now separated which can never be completely ignored.

I repeatedly hear potential adoptive parents express that raising and adopted child is the exact same as raising one's biological child. At one level, this is true - we love them as much as any biological child.

However, I think all potential adoptive parents should be told that their future child will have suffered a trauma that will impact, at some level, every aspect of their relationship with them. Adoption is a lifelong process. It is hard to hear, I know. It is difficult to accept something which we can't basically change. And we can't eliminate the trauma and pain of separation from the first family. But we can help though by understanding their suffering, acknowledging feelings and providing ways in which to work through that pain. Acknowledging and working through anniversary reactions is part of that process.